How To Torture Myself?

Really, I am not joking. Like how I enjoy coffee, sometime the bitterness is just something I want.

Why? Because, in my experience, the biggest happiness always comes from the relief of a pain. Not a positive image, I know. But that is the truth belonging to me.

This pain always comes from the conflict between my expectation of myself and my failure of fulfilling it. I am NOT talking about how to face failure or how to be happy with myself. I know how to do those. I am talking about how to dance with your negativity when you have not even got the chance to fail. I rather suffer from repeated disappointment in myself then lowering my expectation. Plus, there is much more fun in learning how to handle negativism than cuddling with my positivism all day long. By more fun, I mean, it is harder, it is more challenging, it is a bigger differentiator, it leads you to see the game you are really playing in. Do you know what I am talking about?

OK, that’s all my bullshit today. I am glad I finally can identify my negativity and call it out. Then, I can tell, I don’t care about being positive or negative, I just want to be myself.

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I am a Machine Learning Engineer with special interest in mental health and finance.

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